The Wisdom of Eric

Blasted by feedback…

Eric once said, I needed to be ‘blasted’ by positive feedback and to trust myself more. I pondered and reflected on this…

Growing up, I think I learned to avoid feedback for two main reasons that I am aware of.  Firstly, fear. I have been hurt by what people have said to me and secondly, I too have wounded people when offering my ’ten pence worth’ without thought.

To go deeper.  I realise now that by not taking a risk and trying to be open to feedback, I closed down a golden opportunity to create dialogue.  To offer a space for a deeper level of sharing to occur.

Instead, I developed a strategy to close feedback down quickly, because it made me feel too vulnerable.  I felt compelled to hide or find safety in  my ‘shadow side’ where I imagined or perceived that the feedback could not be truly meant: Can they really be praising me? Or are they attacking me? What’s the catch?

I realised that over the years; to avoid feedback, I tried to make relationship endings quick and painless by not telling people that I planned to leave so that the chance to offer feedback was removed from them.  To stick around was too much for me to bear for it might involve me revealing the true depth of my feelings and that made me extremely vulnerable. For me, it was a case of ‘best not to cause any bother and to slip away quietly, as my needs are not worth mentioning, so I shouldn’t cause a fuss’.

It took me a while to realise the price I paid for this ‘strategy’. I was being incongruent and not honouring nor respecting my feelings. Nor for that matter, the feelings of others. I now try hard to take responsibility for how I communicate.

Firstly, this means taking a risk and being true to myself and the other.  Here, I have found that the key is intent.  What is my intent?  Am I responding from a position of compassion, love or growth? Or am I consciously or unconsciously trying to win something, because my ego demands it?  I also try to remember, that If I have inadvertently ‘hurt’ somebody, I remind myself that mistakes can and do happen, but I need to own them and apologise sincerely for them.  This means treating myself with the same humility and heartfelt honesty that I offer to others, in seeking their forgiveness.  This is still a work in progress!